010 everybody's everything

Wednesday, March 11, 2020





Before I ever even heard Lil Peep's music, I couldn't get past his crude Love:( tattoo. His general appearance seemed unkept to me, and made me dismiss him any real seriousness towards his music.. When I first saw Lil Peep, what I saw was the Crybaby tattoo, broken heart tattoo, anarchy sign tattoo, and his blonde hair. Like armor it didn't let me get through to see the real person behind the ink. I said to myself that his face looked like a detention desk, and didn't think to check his music out. I assumed it would be about guns and picking fights with other people. A few years later I heard of his passing and found it tragic. In August of 2018, Social Repose made a cover of the song "Save that Shit". It was stuck in my head, looping. I couldn't get enough of the cover, and then I listened to the real song and was blown away. I heard Cry Alone, Falling Down, Runaway, and then I fell into the Come Over When You're Sober Pt. II album. I listened to it obsessively the rest of that year, and my love for Lil Peep grew with every new posthumous release.

It was a real surprise for me, but the deep tones of sadness in his music were extremely relatable. Lil Peep was very honest about his vices and wasn't shy talking about the way he lived his life. I have noticed he constantly refers to women as hoes. He name dropped drugs casually and made very funny references to situations that occur during your rise to fame. While I do think you need to understand what depression and anxiety feel like to connect with his music, I think people who just enjoy the mix of emo beats with rap lyrics will fall into the music gracefully. For me personally the hook is in the crippling feeling of dealing with harsh realities, heartbreak and escapism to cope.

If there's something I gravitate towards, it's sadboy music. This kind of music helps me feel heard and seen, and much less alone. Roller coaster lives are challenging to live, as as a person who has lived one I admit I see the appeal to escapism or getting faded to be able to cope with stress. Sedation from intense feelings is soothing when accompanied by the right music. This kind of music.



EVERYBODY'S EVERYTHING

In this two hour documentary we get the opportunity to get to know Lil Peep better and to feel close to him as is possible through the leftover footage. I'm grateful that they were constantly recording what they were up to, because thanks to that we can get an inside look into his life. Not to judge, but to simply observe. I endorse empathy towards Lil Peep, whose real name was Gustav Elijah Åhr. The documentary tells the story from how his career got started all the way to his death. This documentary features graphic drug use, guns and shows his lifeless body, both at the tour bus he lost his life in and at his wake with his mother crying over him. The documentary makes you very emotional throughout, you can tell some people really saw him for his potential as well as for who he was. Some of the people around him really loved him, and the fans connected to him through his dark, honest music.

THE TOUGH EXTERIOR AND THE GENTILE SOUL WITHIN
People make the mistake of judging others for appearances; they get scared and maybe they will be critical or mean. I have heard, seen and experienced this myself. I've had strangers touch my waist,  hair, hands, wrists, and even my breasts. The unsolicited attention usually comes at me like arrows pierce through the air, it feels like a direct beeline from whichever spot they occupy in the shadows to my line of sight and to breach my personal space. People can't get past what they see, especially if you have an extreme image.



I find it interesting how Lil Peep piled the tattoos on so quickly. I heard he did it to ensure he would never work a normal job, but once it got to face tattoos that pretty much sealed the deal. (I personally endorse allowing people that are heavily tattooed thrive in high ranking corporate positions because the color of your skin is not synonymous with your potential.) Despite my initial reaction, I rather like his CryBaby face tattoo and admire his courage carrying these many flags for attention in a society where people are loose with their hands. I couldn't handle the pressure that comes from people disrespecting you because they don't agree with the way you present yourself or dress. The tattoo that really gets me is the one between his eyebrows.

Gus used to cry when his living quarters were constantly full of people and he was tired or wanted to be alone. He'd make his way to his bed only to find random people on his bed, and in every other corner of the place. He would cry to those close to him that he yearned for things to go back to the way they were so that he could enjoy a simpler life. So that he could be alone again. Imagine having somebody tailing you and being seen all the time, that puts a lot of pressure on people no matter how much they smile or how well the take it.HE HAD A FAMILY THAT LOVED HIM VERY MUCH
Gus
had lots of support from his mother and his grandfather. His grandfather would write him letters of advice and encouragement. The fragments of the letters read out loud on the documentary are very moving, reminding him he's cut out for something bigger and to prioritize taking care of himself. I can feel the affection through the advice given, and had that letter been addressed to me it would have for sure been a tear jerker. His grandfather had won a medal of freedom from the union of workers.

"I'm sorry about you bike being stolen. Let's just say that without planning to do it, we gave it for Christmas to a poor kid... but while I am in this world you're not going to go without a Christmas present. Even if it's not the same kind of little bike, we'll get you some wheel. Only remember, the best presents aren't things material things but qualities, experiences we cannot lose." — John Womack Jr., Gus' grandfather

His mother Liza Womack worried a lot about him, unable to get in touch with him unless he was the one calling. He would pop up every now and again when e was in trouble, and I heard it in her voice when she said knowing a stranger she hadn't yet met was with her son, accompanying him. Watching her hanging over his body was definitely very heart-breaking.

The general impression of Gus is that he was a free spirit and he was following his dreams, even when everybody around him couldn't yet see results. Gus chose Lil Peep even though his ex-girlfriend made fun of him for it. He did it because that's what his mother called him. That right there shows how close he was to his mother despite being free spirited and living in an underground world that she couldn't be a part of.

ABSENT FATHER
Something that I find very relatable about Gus' life is the absence of a father figure made up by closeness with his grandfather. His father was a coach and only really seemed to fill that role. When he left, Gus would barely talk about it but it seems when he did there would be pain there. Some kids are better off without a toxic parent in their lives. That doesn't mean the void left behind can be filled easily, especially if you grew up with it.

SCHEMABOYSS & GOTHBOICLIQUE
The SCHEMAPOSSE, also known as Schemaboyss or The Schema Coalition, was a collective of underground rappers and producers. SCHEMAPOSSE was founded in 2015 by JGRXXN, a few years after the big break up of RVIDXR KLAN in which JGRXXN was a member. Whole year of 2015 and early 2016 was the time for SCHEMAPOSSE with a line-up of over 40 artists from the underground rap scene. This is a very big scale group, although I'm not clear about how many people were part of it around the time Lil Peep was.

Gothboiclique is a group of what was ten 10 rappers that collaborated with one another. This was Lil Peep's group because he was following his friend Lil Tracy around, he just wanted to be close to Tracy really. That was his best friend before all the cash and the fame, the one who was always with Gus while he was homeless and struggling to make it. In my opinion, Lil Tracy was his only real true friend in GBC. I think after hounding Lil Peep to go on the Come Over When You're Sober tour, he caved because he couldn't say no to people. But in my opinion the ones who were there didn't have his back and were not looking out for him when he needed them to.

I heard that some of the people present heard Lil Peep making noise like he was struggling while he was passed out, and none of them thought to check on him. The guy who gave him the drugs laced with fentanyl thought they looked funny so he didn't take them. Instead, he gave them to Lil Peep. I wasn't there, but my opinion after doing research online and after watching this documentary is that they were high out of their minds and couldn't gain the clarity of mind necessary to be conscious of the fact time passed and their friend was unresponsive. They really dropped the ball with this one.

I don't think it was intentional, but I do think what happened was very irresponsible. And because of maybe not wanting to be caught with drugs on the tour bus, their friend is gone. But now so is the lifestyle they enjoyed with him.



DRUG PROBLEM

Lil Peep tried to party harder than his friends, pursuing that rock star life. He lived like a daredevil, and he had many strangers feeding him drugs to win his affection. What's worse, is he would take it. He could keep himself from doing drugs for a week, but when he went for it he went pretty hard. He would phase in and out of being lucid, but he would take too much and phase out of his life. Management came after him for it, but he would still run away and take the drugs. He only rebelled when they tried to put a stop to it.

DEPRESSION & ANXIETY
Gus spoke about having many insecurities, and got upset when people stared at him for his tattoos. He would get upset when people would judge him, it would really stress him out. When you think about it he was only 21 years old, he was a young guy dealing with the pressures of being famous and people wanting something from him, trying to use him. Crowding his room, so when he would be tired and looking to rest he would find people on his bed.So he would go and cry in his closet, imagine crying with your clothes hanging over you and people filling your entire house.

THE PAIN MAKES MONEY
Lil Peep started out by chipping in $30 per night for an Airbnb with his group of rapper pals. He was homeless for a while.  They treated the space like a party house and a place to do drugs. He ended up taking care of others, and allegedly there were people relying on him. he would pay for friends rent, buy them things. He was a true friend and he looked after those he was very close to. Because of his success he had people hovering over him. He was too nice to turn anybody away, say no. He feared he'd hurt their feelings. Imagine meeting somebody that kind. He needed to learn when to set limits and personal boundaries.

I enjoyed watching how his surroundings changed from these broken down houses and apartments to much more spacious places. The equipment changed, his style changed. Everything got a very noticeable upgrade. And he got more and more tattoos.



AFTER THE FACT
I haven't been a Lil Peep for very long. When his death was on the media it saddened me,though, because at 21 he barely experienced life. He didn't get to enjoy the potential growth of his career. I liked that artists made their own tributes to honor him, parting gifts for this free spirited musician. I love his music and have been enjoying all of the posthumous releases. Lil Peep's mother Liza took is laptop to a shop and got all the data off it. With that, his friends and musicians he admired have been making music. Despite it not being finished quite the way he would have done it, the fans still get to enjoy it. I'd love to get some vinyl records, to enjoy my listening experience some more...

CONCLUSION
Y'know, I feel we were shortchanged. We were going to watch Gus grow so big he would sell out stadiums. He had so much music inside of him, he was just getting started and he had a lot he wanted to say. His music is witty, at times it's funny, but it is mostly really sad and alienated. His music doesn't shine a light on too many of his insecurities, but it does shed light on how alone he felt and how hard it was for him to be faced with the path he tread life on.

I feel like he would have eventually grown to be a very famous rapper. But now there's only speculating on the things that could have happened. The ending we got was a pretty sour one all around. Sadly I came to find that the woman who had provided the drugs passed away a year or two later. I have no knowledge of the reason for her passing.



Support your favorite musicians while they are still touring. My biggest regret is that I never got to see Lil Peep play a live show, even though he played Los Angeles often while he lived here. We lived in the same city around the same time. I wish I'd have known what an impact his music would have on my life so that I could have seen him play a show. He'll always be on my list of musicians I'd love to see play live, right up there with :Wumpscut:, Blutengel and And One.

I'm grateful that Lil Peep got to put any music out at all. Been enjoying it lately.

I've got my sights set on some tarot and Lenormand readings and deck reviews on the blog. It just hasn't worked out yet. Soon...

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